Happy Friday

How are you?
I am fine
And how ’bout yourself?
I’m doin’ well
And how ’bout those kids?
They’re doin’ swell
And how ’bout yours?
I don’t have kids

Say, have you seen this show?
I love that show
Have you seen this show?
No I don’t have cable
Well, I’ve got the tape
I’ll bring the tape
Well, I’ll watch that show
Well, I’ll bring that tape

We find the time to stop and talk
We just stand there spewing bullshit
Boring, pointless, mindless bullshit
There can’t be inspiration
When there’s no communication
I’ve got so much to say
I’ve got nothin’ to say

I’m going about my daily office routine
Neglecting all work
Responsibility shirk
I’m drinking this brown viscous sludge every hour
A business man’s pledge
It takes off the edge
It’s a windowless death camp but the ceiling is glass
Someone keeps moving my cheese!
I’m drowning in this sea of idiot potpourri
Someone accept my plea
Stop the insanity!

We gotta’ learn to communicate
Say something
Say something (anything)
Happy Friday
Well, happy Friday
How’s your morning been?
It’ll be a little better after some of this coffee

Who cares? I don’t care.

^ back to top

Give It Up, You

At five years old
I was told
I could be anything that I wanted to be
But now I know that’s not true

And I thought
If I put my mind to it
I could get my wish
But that’s not the way things work sometimes

(For instance)
I want to be the President
And he wants to be the President
But there can only be one President

At five-foot-three
I wanted to be
A basketball star on the varsity team
And I tried
Oh I tried
And I failed

(Just like this little girl)
She said
I wanna’ be
A beauty queen
On the silver screen
(She told her Mom one night at dinner)
She said
I wanna’ be the next Marilyn Monroe
And the Mom said well baby
You better eat your peas
She ate those peas
And she grew up to be
The ugliest, crustiest, nasty bitch you’ve ever seen

And she said
You lied to me to make me feel good
Give it up, you

^ back to top

Sosumi

(Instrumental)

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Love Stash

Well it’s another happy birthday
Wouldn’t you know
Twenty-seven candles on the cake for me to blow
And even though I know I got the steady flow
I swear I’m gonna’ be thirty, dear God, before you know

I feel a mid-life crisis crashin’ down on my shit
I can see it’s getting dark on the edges, this is it
Better open those gates just a little more
If it’s my mid-life crisis I’ll be dead at fifty-four

(Another Saturday night and I ain’t got no money)
But that’s okay ’cause I’ve got my friends
(A little splash of cologne and I pick up my honey)
We’re goin’ steady, we’re goin’ steady, we’re goin’ steady
(And it’s okay if you laugh but I don’t think it’s funny)
Hahahaha
To flaunt your cash
And woman bash
And smoke your hash
I’ve got love up in my stash

And all the violence gotta’ stop
It’s like a butcher shop
I’m not a cop, but people dyin’ when you up and blow your top
You got so much ice, but you still ain’t cool
Don’t need to pop-pop glock, I rock the mike when I duel
And all the wiggle jiggle booty makes the other homies drool
(They’re just bouncin’ ‘em, They’re just bouncin’ ‘em)
It’s all the same thing
With all the bling bling
It’s all you bring bring
(You’re only rappin’ ’cause you know you can’t sing)

(Now who’s the man with the master plan?)
Man, you know that I don’t even own a gun
(And just who do you think you’re better than?)
In this hip hop quest my rhymes are the best
(You’re all braggin’ about your attention span)
Man, you know that I’m just here to have some fun
I’m M.C. Donalds
I’m D.J. Tanner
I’m Bruce Banner
And you’ll love me when I’m angry

^ back to top

Salacious, Ostentatious

(Instrumental)

^ back to top

Life Injection

I’ve said auf Wiedersehen to cigarettes before
So long water bong I don’t need you anymore
I’ve flexed my willpower in the face of a Midori Sour
But girl I just can’t get you out my mind

I’ve had my crutches, but nothing quite like this
I’ve had my crushes, but nothing quite like bliss
And if i took a drug test they would find you in my piss

‘Cause you make me …

I’ll crush you into powder and snort you up my nose
Or I could toss you in my tablespoon and melt you through your clothes

I need a life injection
I need a life injection

Where’d you learn to love like that?

You, alright!?
I learned it by watching you!

You make me high
(You got me high as a kite and I think that I might go crazy)
You make me high
(And my eyes are sore, I can’t think straight anymore, it’s so hazy)
You make me high
(Since we first started dating, I’ve been hallucinating, I’m so lazy)
You make me high
(I’ve got my Cheetos, and my Doritos, I’m eatin’ Fritos)

And I can’t drive
(Beep beep, I’m goin’ too fast, I can’t stay in my lane)
Because you’re alive
(Try as I might, to put up a fight, I just can’t get you outta’ my brain)
You’re making me so high
(I gotta’ be nearer, there’s flashing lights in the mirror, gotta’ stay sane)
You make me high

^ back to top

Meeting in the Middle

Make-up
Make-out
Then go to sleep
I guess it was worth trying

It’s three a.m.
And I’ve gotta’ work in the morning
But I cant stop crying

And you really piss me off sometimes
I always think I’ll leave
Every couple’s got problems
God knows that we’ve

Got problems
But it’s nothing we can’t fix

With a little bit of love
And a lot of meeting in the middle

^ back to top

Polaroids Fill The Voids

Good morning, moonshine
How the hell you been?
And now it’s time to let the crazy hazy in

I pour a glass of orange juice
I had to spike it
‘Cause I could almost feel my mind
And I don’t like it

And I can’t recall, dear
What happened yesterday
Although I’m sure it started in a festive way

My quest was to ingest a solely liquid diet
Tap that keg, my brain’s an egg, so why not fry it?
Jager mixed with Red Bull, well I had to try it
Just had five, I’m fine to drive
You didn’t buy it

Avant garde in my yard
On your birthday
Liquor knocked me off my guard
In the worst way
Now the Polaroids may fill the voids
Where my mind erased the sin
But I really thought that lamp shade
Coulda’ kept them in

And we danced

And I tried

My crazy antics
Got you scared to death
Smokey hairdo pillowcase and vodka breath

You say you’ll kick me out the house
Throw away the welcome mat
Over a couple fuzzy memories
And a little bit of belly fat
Now you’re threatening to leave me?
Well baby, I can drink to that

And I tried

Well it’s ten years later
What did you expect?
I lost my home
I lost my phone
I had to call collect

I always thought that you’d return to me
Well it took a while for hopelessness to churn in me
You’re running out of time, my friend, for spurnin’ me
Spoiler alert, there’s a hole in the dirt
Where we’re gonna’ spend eternity

And we’ll dance

^ back to top

Twenty-Five Candles

Twenty-five candles
On your birthday cake
To say that your old now
Would be a mistake

So, baby, dry all those tears
Because it appears
You’ll be here a hundred more years

And we’ll live on Mars
In our flying cars
We’ll drink alien beer
At alien bars

And I’ll buy you a supersonic, hypertonic, glowing goblet of green goo
And I’ll raise a toast ’cause you’re the most sensational specimen this side of the moon
And we’ll reminisce about prior bliss
And all the things on Earth that we miss

Like gravity, and sunshine
But then maybe I can invent a machine that can control time
Then I’d set for October the sixteenth, two-thousand-seven
‘Cause being there with you baby, was absolutely heaven

(Happy Birthday)
Twenty-five candles
(Twenty-five years)
Make a wish and blow out those candles
Make a wish and blow those candles out

^ back to top

Whistler’s Father

Here’s a little tale
About how my baby learned to jive and wail
I taught him to blow
But don’t you know
It all started a long time ago

Great-granny had a baby and the baby got big
Then Granny had a baby and the baby got big
Then that old bid had one more kid
And we’re both so glad she did

^ back to top

Vacation Beard

So I went on vacation
And I grew a beard
This is my vacation beard

And this bitch is itchy
And this beard is weird
This is my vacation beard

And I don’t know if it’s temporary
Or here to stay
But you’ll have to deal with it either way

So I went on vacation
And I ate and ate
These are my vacation pants
And they’re a whole lot bigger
And that’s not by chance
I’m wearing my vacation pants

And I’m aware that the button’s missing
And the zipper’s stuck
But if you think I’m changing them
You’re out of luck

And I’m still on vacation
Cause I lost my job
I’m on permanent vacation
And I lost that job
Cause I’m such a slob
I’m on permanent vacation

And I don’t know how I’ll get the money
To pay my bills
I’ll just drink
Feel low
Snort blow
Smoke crack
Shoot smack
Who knows?

Happy Friday

Track Listing:

Liner Notes:

Lyrics:

Roll Call

Happy Friday

Give It Up, You

Sosumi

Love Stash

Salacious, Ostentatious

Life Injection

Meeting in the Middle

Polaroids Fill The Voids

Twenty-Five Candles

Whistler’s Father

Vacation Beard

Inner-Critic Suicide

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